Abandoned and lost
Hello, i came across your page a few months back, its been really helpful to me to understand who i am on the inside.
Anyway…quite a few months back i met someone and got into some kinky play, then onto sub/dom, we met on a website and he’s had some experience of being in control and the kind of play i like, so we agreed to see each other regularly and he started to take me on a journey of self discovery.
I’ve found i am very submissive and want nothing more than to please and the need to feel wanted and to make my sir proud of me. All was what i thought well until February when our meetings started to get less and less, contact from sir has also now gone to a minimum, i dont know why and all i get from sir is that he is working or some other excuse. Im feeling so lost and abandoned, i cant think straight, i crave the feeling of being under control, wanting to please….most of all i feel like ive failed somehow and cant shake this feeling. When you’ve given that inner part of self and then dropped how does a sub cope? Any advice you could give would be so much help to me right now. Thank you x
Thank you for this question and sadly I hear things like this all too often.
It seems there is no shortage of so-called Doms out there who like to engage in a little kinky play with people they meet online in the name of D/s relationships but have no real commitment to either their submissive or the lifestyle. The minute they get bored or find something new, they attempt to simply drift away. This is no different that a vanilla relationship where the significant other simply stops calling, begins making excuses not to see you, and generally takes the coward’s way out. They want the relationship to end but do not have either the heart or balls to say so. Whether this occurs in a vanilla or D/s relationship it is sad and heart wrenching.
However, in the world of D/s, circumstances like these are even harder because of the level of surrender and vulnerability a submissive exposes themselves to with their “Dom”. Here, the feelings of inadequacy and sense of failure are profoundly magnified when a relationship fades away because of the level of commitment and desire to please that is involved. With no communication about what has gone wrong, or why the relationship is fading, the submissive is left floundering in their own feelings of inadequacy, failure, rejection and abandonment. Sadly, in my experience these are the most deeply and commonly held fears of submissives in general and a “Dom” who simply wanders off is playing to every one of them.
In the BDSM and D/s world the correct way to end a relationship between a Dominant and a submissive is for the Dominant to formally release the submissive. Naturally this can be done well or badly, with compassion and communication or coldly and cruelly. I would certainly hope for the former. But either way, the process of formally releasing a submissive at least removes the endless state of limbo they find themselves in when a “Dom” just begins to ignore them. Properly done, it also should involve communication between Dom and sub that clarifies where the issues in the relationship are (usually having nothing to do with the level and quality of service by a submissive) and why it is time for each to move on. In an ideal world all people in relationships would communicate in this way but sadly that is not the case in either the D/s or vanilla world.
The bottom line is that relationship problems exist whether in a vanilla or D/s one. And some people handle the responsibility of relationships better than others in either case. D/s does not cure the ills of the world of relationships and in fact can exacerbate them because of the added levels of vulnerability and devotion that can be inherent in them.
I have a very low opinion of so-called Doms who “hook up” on the internet with people who are curious about or interested in BDSM or the D/s lifestyle, play with them just enough to get their jollies then move on to something new. Sadly, Tumblr and the net is full of them. It is my experience that the number of people who meet and actually engage in long-term D/s relationships on the internet are a definite minority. There seems to be no shortage of submissives looking for just what you describe and a definite shortage of qualified and caring Dominants to lead them. This is sadly preyed upon by a lot of people who are simply in it for the kink and have no real knowledge of or commitment to the D/s lifestyle. I see it and hear about day after day.
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this and sadly am afraid that you are in a lot of good company. Please try to accept that the problem in your relationship is not you, and probably has nothing to do with D/s or your performance and capability as a submissive. This is all about your “Dom” and his issues and in my estimation cowardice to address the situation. I strongly recommend that you pin your shoulders back, lift your chin, look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worthy, and leave the cowardly Dom in the dust.
Just my $.02 since you asked.