Believing I have your concurrence to continue, I determine to press on with my decision to pursue the depths of your submission in a most harsh manner. I order you to present yourself to me on the bed.
As you comply with my directive, kneeling face down on the bed, doubts about the trust and faith you have placed in your Master dart through your mind without clarity or focus. In the confusion of emotions brought about by your Master’s seemingly capricious and mean-spirited actions today, everything you have held to be true about the foundation of this so-called loving D/s relationship feels like quicksand beneath your feet.
You feel betrayed by one who claims to love you but instead has debased you as a thing…something to be used…rather than being cherished as a beloved little one or even treated as a human being. The emotional whipsaw that seems to characterize the days in this relationship is exhausting, and though you admit to yourself that you like and perhaps even crave many elements of it, is difficult to withstand for any protracted length of time.
You begin to recognize that what began as a loving and tender effort to teach and guide you in the ways of submission and service to a Master, molding you gently to the will of your Dom, has of late taken on the qualities of an inquisition or a challenge to the death. This quest your Master has set out for the two of you, foolishly attempting to ascertain the heights of his dominance and the depths of your own submission is not teaching or guiding but rather testing and dueling. Survival of the fittest. “This is not loving. This is not caring. What does he possibly hope to gain from all this?” you think to yourself. “He says it will bond the two of us closer together yet all I feel is a rending of the fabric that has made up our relationship to this point. I feel abused, not cherished.”
At the same time, competing with this growing sense that an enormous mistake has been made there is another equally strong sense of strength, perhaps even defiance as well. Not defiance in the face of the seemingly arbitrary demands of Master but defiance against the desire to quit. Your deep inner well of personal strength is being tapped and that strength can be used to rebel, fight back against the tyranny, and possibly flee from this debasement; or it can be used to buttress the strength and will to submit. Perhaps there is some latent desire to out submit Master’s dominance? A hidden inner strength that says somehow you can take more than he can dish out? “What a twisted, strange and unhealthy thought,” you contemplate to yourself. “That I can somehow show him that I am stronger than he is by submitting to more than he is capable of commanding. Do I really want to engage in his duel? It seems the only one who can be hurt with that notion is me.”
“Yet I have seen his softness, I know that deep inside there is a genuine and caring heart, perhaps even the heart of a wounded child,” you contemplate. “I genuinely believe this caring heart is stronger than his dominant exterior. I love that part of him and want to draw it out. I believe that I can. But am I willing to pay the price for it? Am I willing to do what it might take to get through that harsh exterior, break his shell of societal conditioning and whatever life experience has made him this way to have that prize? I am really not sure. I just don’t know.”
As these thoughts race through your mind Master walks around the bed picking up the long abandoned riding crop and slaps it against his leg. You gulp in indecision and more than a little fear.
“God, I just don’t know if I can do this,” you think to yourself. “And what is it about me that would make me even want to try?”
Caption © For the Love of A Submissive, 2012